It was supposed to be on the anniversary of mom's rebirth, also known as my 39th birthday, but like most things in my life lately, plan A did not materialize. I took comfort in the fact that I had 25 more plans available to me and so I confidently moved on through alphabet. It wasn't until I had hit the "LMNOP" landscape that it occurred to me I might very well need to move on to another alphabet altogether.
The past several months have been filled with changes; BIG life changes. I am not talking about vamping the living room paint color or adding blonde highlights to my otherwise dark-chocolate mane. I am talking about surgical repairs, liquid-diet recoveries, international uprooting, air shipments, sea shipments, invasive background checks, extensive health checks, family reunions, homelessness and intercontinental travel.......with a 3 year old.
I say this to remind myself that 30 different plans for finishing a blog is ok when your life is being lived on different continents and in different cultures.
As my family embarks on another adventure I am struck by the resiliency of life. It amazes me and saddens me at the same time. I am grateful for the forward motion that continues to propel us into new and awesome opportunities, but I am still longing for time to respectfully stop and allow the world to once again acknowledge the loss of someone special.
And so this afternoon I am stopping my clock as I compose this last post. This blog has allowed me to reflect and grieve in ways that were constructive and meaningful. Thank you to all those who took the time, energy and thoughtfulness to read my words and make them part of your own story. This has helped me immensely.
And so I will close with a letter to my mom.
I miss you. Still. I miss so many things that it seems ridiculous to begin a list. I mostly miss the feeling of your arms around me. Even now at 39, I long to bury myself in the softness of your flesh. It was there that everything in the world was made right.
At night, when I am closing my eyes I try to persuade the universe into letting you enter my dreams. I am not sure who the gatekeeper is in this situation. Do I need to send something? Offer something to sweeten the deal? Please let me know if there is something I can do to make your dream-presence more frequent (cameos will do but regular roles are preferred).
Dreams are such a gift. When you visit me it is as if we are meeting in another dimension. I laugh with you, I eat with you, I talk with you.........and for a few seconds when I am re-entering this world we call reality, I feel you are here.
I know that I have made choices that are hard for you to understand. Thank you for loving me anyway and supporting me even-though. I love my life and I am happy. I say this because it is true and because it is the most I can hope for my own son. If he were to say these words to me I would feel great pride, joy and comfort. I am hoping you feel the same.
I know what it is to be loved.
I know what it is to love.
Thank you for showing me.
With you always,